Instrument of Peace

The Missoula Gay Men's Chorus
Spring Concert 6/12/09
Missoula Montana

Let me not so much seek to be consoled (to be consoled)
As to console (As to console, as to console)
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For in giving we receive (for in giving we receive)

Let me be, let me be, let me be
Let me be an Instrument of Peace

--Greg Gilpin, based on the words of St. Francis of Assisi
Youtube has a version of this beautiful piece.

NOTA BENE: What follows is not a review. I am too intimately connected with the Chorus to be objective.

In February, 2002, a group of men took the stage at the Missoula Children's Theatre, and sang one of the songs from the musical Les Misérables, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. This was part of an evening entitled "From the Heart," and was a fund-raiser for the Western Montana Gay & Lesbian Community Center. Several individuals performed that evening, but for the Missoula Gay Men's Chorus, it was the first time they had faced a paying audience. I think I can speak for those men present when I say it was a thrilling experience.

In the years since, the Missoula Gay Men's Chorus has performed on numerous occasions in venues across the state of Montana. We have sung for private gatherings as well as public. We have produced our own concerts and have sung at benefits sponsored by other groups. I wrote about two such occasions last September (the Names Project Quilt on display in Missoula and the Jeannette Rankin Peace Party).

During the two plus years I spent in California, the biggest regret I had was not being able to sing with the Chorus. I consider myself (and, thankfully, so do the other Chorus members) a founding member of the Chorus. I have great memories of times with the guys. And last Friday, the Chorus performed its annual Spring Concert in The University of Montana's Music Recital Hall.

Emery Jones singing Everybody Wants My Fanny, by Benny Bell

For reasons unknown to me, we didn't do a lot of promotion for this concert. We printed tickets, posted flyers, and had announcements in various community bulletin boards, but at the dress rehearsal we joked about singing for the two people who would show up. I can't speak for anyone else, and I won't give my own excuses, but I know I turned back all ten of the tickets I was given to sell. I was responsible for six people buying tickets at the door, but still.... (Our final ticket count was 83 tickets sold, raising $830 for Missoula's Poverello Center, an organization that feeds and houses the homeless.)

In my not so humble opinion, this was the best concert we have done to date. The program flowed relatively smoothly from the opening number, Instrument of Peace, to the final encore, Parade. In between we fit 150 years of American popular music, both in pieces sung by the entire ensemble, and in various solos. We even did a barbershop quartet version of When You Wish Upon a Star.

Our own Barbershop Quartet
Yours truly , Fred Eigenmann, Emery Jones, Gary Bowman
(bass) (baritone) (2nd tenor) (1st tenor)

We sang Gershwin (Embraceable You); we sang Broadway (Seasons of Love from Rent). We embraced the city (Manhattan Transfer's Java Jive and Sammy Kahn's My Kind of Town) and headed out into the country (Ghost Riders in the Sky and I Talk to the Trees). We took up the cause of top-40, whether it be Stephen Collins Foster's Beautiful Dreamer or George Harrison's Something. Not to mention one of the top groups from my high school years, the Association (a medley of Never My Love and Cherish).

Artistic Director Daniel Hampson conducting from the Clavinova

For the most part, we sang the songs in the order in which they were written, closing with the 1996 Seasons of Love. As an encore, we returned with one of our perennial crowd-pleasers, Parade by Eric Lane Barnes of the Seattle Men's Chorus. All in all, a fun time was had by all--I hope. Certainly no one told me any different.

By the way, you don't need to be a gay man to sing with us, but you can't be afraid of being identified as a gay man either. We welcome new singers and also contributions both in-kind and cash. If you want us to come sing for you, let us know. We might be able to work something out. It is our goal to present a positive image of gay men in Montana, and to be, truly, an Instrument of Peace.

"Tonight, following weather there'll be lots of shots of leather"
The Missoula Gay Men's Chorus singing Eric Laine Barnes' Parade

A note on the photographs. First, it was very dark in the Music Recital Hall and I didn't want to use flash, so I set the camera at a very fast "film" speed, ASA 1600--hence the grain. Also, any movement was caught by the slow shutter speed, so a singer's head my be out of focus because he moved as the shutter snapped. Finally, all pictures were taken with my camera by my partner, Kevin Kerr. If you care to click on any of these photos, they will open full screen in a new window. The links open in a new window as well.

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.

Phantom faces at the window.
Phantom shadows on the floor.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

--Herbert Kretzmer

NOTE: All photos can be seen full screen by double clicking on them. The complete set of photos taken by Kevin and myself can be seen on my Picasa web gallery.


The following letter was written on February 9th, 1989, almost twenty years ago. As I reread it this morning, I wanted to share it with you all, partly as an historical document, but also because I feel the message is still relevant, even if dated. It was written to the ex-wife of a dear friend, a woman living in southern California and working in the entertainment industry. She and some colleagues wanted to put together a performance piece dealing with the way AIDS was effecting people in rural areas. I wrote of my own experience. In reading this, remember that this is a history, and does not reflect current facts. Missoula, for example, is now Montana’s second largest city. It remains a small town. Also many more than six have now died in Missoula.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Dale,

When I think about AIDS in Montana many images come to mind. The first, of course, is Richard. When he was diagnosed in June, 1986, his was the first case to be diagnosed in Missoula County. It made the daily paper. No names were mentioned, fortunately. We expected the house to be fire-bombed. This is, after all, the town where the Mayor asked the City Attorney to ban a gay dance because gay people would bring AIDS to Missoula.

The local gay rights group, Out in Montana, had just started an AIDS Support Network, anticipating a future need. We didn’t tell them of the diagnosis because we didn’t have the strength to deal with both the disease and with their ignorance. We didn’t have the energy to train them to deal with people with AIDS. So we stuck it out alone, just the two of us. Richard asked me not to talk to anyone about his diagnosis, nor would he talk to me about his weekly conversations with his doctor, so for at least the first three months I was completely alone. Of course there weren’t many people in town who would have understood what we were going through.

Missoula is a small town, even if it is Montana’s third largest community. Word got out, and people in other offices on campus called me to offer condolences. I told them that while the situation was indeed difficult, it was basically no different that watching a loved one dying of cancer or some other fatal disease. I felt that I had to reassure them because of all the ignorance about AIDS.

From the time he noticed the first KS lesion in February, 1986, it took Richard a year and a half to die. We both learned a lot during that period. As time went on, we taught others a great deal, also. I did things I never dreamt I would do. I learned to give hypodermic injections. I learned to handle syringes and needles, subclavials, i.v. bottles. I never expected to become a nurse.

When Richard died, I was told to prepare his obituary myself unless I wanted the mortuary to do it for me. Since I had no control over what the mortuary would say, I wrote the thing myself, at work, the morning after he died. That was all I did at work that day. When I turned the obit in to the paper, it caused quite a stir. They wanted to interview me and they didn’t want to say that he was survived by his “lover.” We finally compromised on a less loaded term, and I agreed to an interview.

The interview appeared on the front page of the paper, complete with a picture of Richard, Thursday morning. (Richard had died Tuesday evening.) They didn’t waste any time. Within two weeks, the article had appeared in every daily paper in the state of Montana. (It is a small state, after all.) Again, I expected the house to be fire-bombed. That didn’t happen. What did happen was amazing. I received cards, letters and phone calls from friends, of course, but also from complete strangers scattered across our state. A woman from Phoenix saw the article in the Billings Gazette and sent it to me. A man read it in the Bozeman Chronicle and called me. An elderly neighbor called me to offer her love and support. Two people called the President of the University and demanded that I be fired. (I wasn’t.) The house was not fire-bombed.

After Richard’s death, a support group was formed that met with a counselor on a weekly basis. I attended the meetings, even though I no longer fit the criteria for attendance (i.e. sero-positive test result, AIDS/ARC diagnosis, partner/spouse/lover of either which assumed that the partner was still alive, or current care giver). Our group of ten quickly dwindled to a group of three: the counselor; a young man with KS; and me. Once again, I was being a support, but not getting much support. At the end of the year, when that young man died, I ceased all involvement with AIDS work. I have to heal myself and see no outside help available here. The truth of the matter is that if you want to be involved in AIDS work, even in Montana, there are more than enough sick people who need your help. Little time is available for those who are physically well, but emotionally drained.

The Missoula Gay Men's Chorus
9-18-08

Other aspects come to mind, though. The wonderful lesbian who has been at the bedside of nearly every man who died of AIDS in Missoula (six to date). She, too, is burning out, and I hope that she can find her own strength again. The population in Montana is small enough that we know each other. We’ve been friends, family, for years, and now we watch our brothers die. We also see others coming home. Men who left Montana at 20 full of health and energy are returning at 40 to die. The truth is that those of us born and raised in the state will always be Montanans, wherever we may end up. Perhaps half the cases of AIDS treated in Montana were diagnosed elsewhere: in San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, Portland, Chicago. This has other implications as well. A (Montana) friend died last Saturday in San Francisco. I was told via long-distance from Washington DC and was asked to pass the word along to other friends. This meant calls to Seattle, Portland, and even to San Francisco, because so many gay Montanans leave the state, and David’s friends were no exception.

AIDS in Montana. The contrasts under the Big Sky are amazing. A gay man with AIDS in Great Falls has to see a dentist in Helena, 90 miles away, because no Great Falls dentist will work with him. A Missoula man dies in a Billings nursing home, 350 miles from home, because no Missoula nursing home will take him. The Billings AIDS support Network passes out condoms and safe-sex brochures to prostitutes on the street corners. The alternate test site in Havre (population 10,891) tests more IV drug users than all the other alternate test sites in the state combined. Medical personnel state that Montana fits the third world scenario for AIDS distribution, i.e. heterosexual transmission. No one is quite sure what this means, because the official figures do not seem to back it up. Maybe it’s their own homophobia coming out. Montana is the only state in the region that does not require reporting of names of those testing sero-positive. As a consequence, our alternate test sites serve North and South Dakota, Wyoming (which until recently had no alternate test sites), Idaho and even Washington residents. State health officials fear that the Legislature will change our unique regional standing.

Well, I fear that I have rambled enough. I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.

Sincerely,

Bryan

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Thursday, September 18th, 2008. The NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt came to Missoula. Well, seventy-five panels, each with at least eight quilt pieces, were put on display in the Adams Center, beginning with an opening ceremony. University President George Dennison spoke about the importance of educating our community. The Missoula Gay Men’s Chorus sang two numbers. Keri McWilliams, Executive Director of the Missoula AIDS Council and Gert McMullin, Quilt Production Manager from the NAMES Project office in Atlanta, Georgia, spoke. Twenty-seven people read the names of the men, women and children whose lives were remembered on the displayed panels.

If you’ve never seen The Quilt, let me tell you that it’s an emotional experience. I doubt that it’s possible for anyone to come away from a display untouched. But then, I have a personal stake in The Quilt. The panel I designed for my lover, Richard Donovan, was the first panel submitted from the state of Montana.

Richard died on the evening of July 21st, 1987, thirteen months after being the first person in Missoula County to be diagnosed with the disease and eighteen months after he first noticed a couple of spots on his shoulder which he suspected were KS (Kaposi’s Sarcoma) lesions. July 21st was a Tuesday. On Thursday, the 23rd, the Advocate showed up in my mailbox. The Advocate, then as now, is the nation’s leading gay news magazine. The July 23rd issue had a notice about a new project just getting started in San Francisco. Cleve Jones and a group of his friends wanted to remember the people they were losing to AIDS in the form of a quilt. There was a number to call for more information, so I called.

“Montana?” The person on the other end of the line cried. “Montana? We never thought we’d hear from anyone in Montana.” I learned that the quilt panels were to be six foot by three foot, roughly the size of a casket, and that everything should be sewn down, not glued. The plan was to get everything collected in San Francisco, then display the quilt for the first time at a special ceremony to be held on the US Capitol Mall, on Sunday, October 11th, 1987. Richard’s fortieth birthday.

I designed Richard’s panel, using his favorite denim jeans and vest. Richard was a tailor, and had made all his own clothing. It seemed only appropriate to use his work to remember him. Richard’s friend, Susan Gilmore, did the actual work of putting the panel together, and we shipped it off to San Francisco.

On Sunday, October 11th, I was in Washington for the opening. Whoopi Goldbert spoke at length, as we stood silently lining the sides of the Mall. Finally the quilt was opened, and readers started reading the names. I found Richard’s panel, and stood a while in thought.



Portions of the Quilt have been shown in Missoula on three other occasions. I have also traveled to Seattle to see it displayed there. The Quilt, as it is displayed, makes me think of the experience of walking through a military cemetery on a battleground. I have the same feeling of needless loss that I felt walking through the cemeteries of Gallipoli. But the pain is much more personal.

I used to keep a list of the friends I have lost. When the list of Montana names reached fifty, I stopped counting. My friends continued to die, but I could no longer bear holding that list. Things have changed. Today I have many dear friends living with the disease. It is no longer the automatic death sentence it was twenty years ago. It is still a horrifying disease. When I read about young men, “bug catchers” as they call themselves, who are actively trying to contract the disease, I want to scream. When I read about people who want to have only unprotected sex, I want to take them by the neck and shake them till they wake up to the reality of this disease.

Mostly I feel like a survivor of a war. When I go out to a gay venue, I see a few people older than I. Mostly I see men twenty to thirty years younger than I am. I see very few people my age. We lost the better part of a generation of gay men to this disease. Beautiful, handsome, strong men. The leaders of our community, gone to a virus. I want it to stop. I want it never to have happened. I want Richard back.

Richard Donovan
10-11-47 -- 7-21-87

Let's Do What We Can Do Together

Peace Within, Peace Without
Taken 9-14-08 in Missoula Montana
by Kevin G. Kerr

Note Please: All links open in a separate window, and all pictures can be viewed full screen in a separate window by double clicking on the picture itself. A selection of the pictures Kevin and I took can be found on-line at my Picasa web site here.

Livin’ in this crazy world
So caught up in the confusion
Nothin’ is makin’ sense
For me and you

Maybe we can find a way
There’s got be a solution
How to make a brighter day
What do we do

--Ziggy Marley

In 1916, the people of Montana elected the first woman to serve in any western nation’s national legislature. Jeannette Rankin, born in 1880 in Missoula, Montana, took her seat in the US House of Representatives on March 4, 1917. Four days later, she made history again by voting against US entry into World War I. As she cast her vote, she said “I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war.” She was not re-elected in 1918.

A single term in Congress was not unusual in Montana history. Since becoming a state in 1889, Montana had elected nine congressmen prior to Ms. Rankin, four of whom served only a single term and two more served just two terms. What is remarkable is that in 1940, Montanans sent Jeannette Rankin back to Congress where she cast the only vote against US entry into World War II. This time she said, “As a woman I can’t go to war, and I refuse to send anyone else.” Her position caused her to be vilified, and again, she served only a single term. After leaving Congress in 1943, she spent the rest of her life working for peace. In 1985 Montana sent Ms. Rankin back to Congress, this time in the form of a statue to be placed in Statuary Hall in the US Capitol. Today her statue can be found in the House corridor, first floor. (Statuary Hall allows each state two statues. Montana's other statue honors Charlie Russell--the only artist to be found in this national collection.)

In 1986, a group of Missoula area activists came together to found the Jeannette Rankin Peace Center. In the twenty-two years since, they have built an organization that is making a difference world-wide. In Missoula they operate a store and library downtown, and sponsor several activities throughout the year. They have acted as fiduciary agent for various peace and justice organizations, including the Western Montana Gay & Lesbian Community Center which was formed ten years ago. One of the principal fund-raisers for the Jeannette Rankin Peace Center is their annual Peace Party, held this year under the big tent in Caras Park on Sunday, September 14th.

The Missoula Gay Men's Chorus
Taken 9-14-08 in Missoula Montana
by Kevin G. Kerr

Members of the Missoula Gay Men’s Chorus were asked to show up at 2 pm sharp for a sound check. We joined the women of the Missoula Women’s Chorus, and ran through a couple of numbers. The festivities were scheduled to begin at 4:30 when the children of the Lewis & Clark Grade School choir would take the stage to sing a song they had written themselves. The men and women would sing along on the chorus with the children.

The event actually began with men, women and children forming a circle and dancing several dances from various traditions in what has come to be known as the Dances of Universal Peace. I had heard of this activity, which in Missoula happens on the third Friday of every month, but I had never participated. Nonetheless, when the audience was invited to join in the dance, I gladly entered the circle. Dancing has always been one of my great loves. I had no idea that I was becoming a part of an international movement that meets not only in Missoula, but in four other Montana communities, twenty-two California communities (both large and small), and countless other places around the country. There are even two groups dancing in Wyoming and one in West Virginia.

A Dance of Universal Peace
Taken 9-14-08 in Missoula Montana
by Kevin G. Kerr

After dancing and chanting prayers in English, Sanskrit, Arabic, Hebrew, and I don’t remember what all else, the children took the stage and the men and women singers joined them. Throughout the evening, the men and women returned to the stage numerous times to perform together and separately. We men sang five pieces in total, two by ourselves, two with the women, and the opening number with the women and children.

The Missoula Women's Chorus
Taken 9-14-08 in Missoula Montana
by Kevin G. Kerr

In addition to our singing, the Peace Party included dinner, a silent auction, a live auction and several items which were raffled off. Many of the items in the live auction were dinner parties hosted by prominent Missoulians. The one that really caught my attention was an Ethiopian dinner for six at Granite Hot Springs, but that one went for over $100 a plate. Kevin, knowing how much I love exotic food, bid for (and won) a Persian dinner for eight which we will enjoy on Friday, April 24th, 2009. We quickly found six friends to join us at $55 a plate.

While I don’t know just how much money the Center raised, I know that the participants enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Each table had a jar for pennies, those jars going to build schools through one of my favorite organizations, The Central Asia Institute, which I wrote about back in January. Once again, I urge you to read Greg Mortensen’s book Three Cups of Tea and then to do whatever you can to support this worthy organization. The children of Missoula have collected over $5,000 in pennies to build schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan, and have set themselves the goal of collecting $50,000 so that they can pay for a complete school.

Pennies for Peace supporting the Central Asia Institute
Taken 9-14-08 in Missoula Montana

For us, the evening closed with the men and women on stage singing Ziggy Marley’s “Give a Little Love,” after which we packed up and left the volunteers to take down the displays and empty the tent. Five of us piled into the Volvo and headed out to Lolo Hot Springs for their clothing optional swim night. A fun time was had by all.

Seriously, though, ask yourself “What can I do to promote peace at home, in my community, in my country and around the world.” As Ziggy puts it:

We got to give a little love, have a little hope
Make this world a little better
Try a little more, harder than before
Let’s do what we can do together

The Men and Women's Choruses of Missoula
Giving a little love
Taken 9-14-08 by Kevin G. Kerr